I want to warn the reader that I will be spoiling the movie for you if you haven't seen it. Normally, I dont give a warning as such because the movies so far have sucked and I wanted to save the populous from wasting their money. But, because this movie was ok, I want to give you a chance to enjoy a good film by warning you THIS IS A SPOILER. IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITH THE PURITY SIMILAR TO A PRETEEN CATHOLIC VIRGIN, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! For those who still wish to read on, I will still give my readers the cynical views and sarcasim that F.H. is known for.
For those that havn't been keeping up with the P.O.T.C., it focuses on the adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow, played by Jonny Depp who's been in more costumes than a black man in a fat suit. Jack is without his adventerous counterpart, Orlando Bloom, who played Will Turner in the past three P.O.T.C. movies. This time it focuses on Jack and his antogonist Blackbeard (B.B.). Jack's long time first mate, Gibbs (Kevin McNally), is sentenced to death as he's believed to be Jack Sparrow himself. Jack disgueses himself as judge where he sends Gibbs to prison instead and has Gibbs transported via horse carriage which Jack has paid off himself to drop them off at a secure rendezvous. However, the horseman betrayed them and took them to the King of Brittan's palace. Jack's taken into custody and asked where to locate the Fountain of Youth, a map Jack procured in P.O.T.C. 3. Jack had long given up the quest to look for it and just wanted to get his ship, the Black Pearl back from his pirate rival Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). Besides, Jack slipped the map to Gibbs just before they were separated. Just then, Barbossa walks in as the recently appointed Naval Commander or something for the king which is a shock to Jack since he knows Barbossa to be a pirate. Even more a shock is when Barbossa reveals that he lost the Black Pearl along with his leg. Aww...
The king hears there had been a rumor that Jack Sparrow was in town and putting together a crew to go after the Fountain of Youth. Jack knows someone is going around impersonating him. After a cunning escape out the castle, Jack leads the chase to where he's saved by his dad. Yes, Jack Sparrow has a dad. They introduced him breifly in P.O.T.C. 3. He explains that the Fountain is dangerous and that the treasure will test you or something then he disappears like Batman. Well, thanks, Dad. Screw you, too. Anyway, in this bar Jack sees a man dressed like him and he follows the imposter to a room where they fight. Then, by noticing that the imposter knows his fighting TOO well, he discovers it's Angelica Malon played by Penelope Cruz, a long lost lover of Jack way before P.O.T.C. 1, I assume. She tells him shie's trying to get a crew for her ship's captain, B.B. The only way was to dress as Jack Sparrow. I don't see why...but whatever. I would have been more happy just to work for Cruz if she came to me as is, cross-dressed be damned. Anyway, the British are coming! The British are coming! So, after another fight scene, Jack and Cruz escape. They get close and she tells him about the two chalices needed to drink from the Fountain. To B.B.'s ship we go.
So, Captain Jack Sparrow, now crewman, is in the bow of the ship trying to investigate about the mysterious B.B. Upon, touring the ship, we see a Jehova's witness dude of something tied to the mast. Apparently, he made B.B. mad, but Cruz made him spare the mormon's life. Anyway, Jesus-dude is important later. He didn't have to be, but they wrote it in the script so...there's that. Cruz tells Jack that she's B.B.'s daughter, but then later tells him she's not. But, really she is. ...I don't know. It wasn't a big and neccessary plot twist so why did she even bring it up? So, Jack causes a mutany just to see B.B. It works and B.B. comes out of hiding on the ship and we see he's played by Ian McShane. But, the mutany is put to ret when B.B., using a sword that controls the ship itself...literaly, uses the sail ropes to tie everyone up. They don't explain how or why the sword works...it just does. Go with it. After somebody is set on fire, he calls Jack to council and talk privately about the Fountain. Sidenote: Doesn't B.B. look like a more weathered version of Al Pacchino?
In council, B.B. reveals that a fortune teller predicted a man with one leg will kill him. Hmm.... And B.B. thinks going to the Fountain will save his life. Furthermore, along with the two chalices to drink from the Fountain, you also need a mermaid's tear. Jack also finds out that the Black Pearl along with other ships B.B. has defeated, are still intact...inside magical mason jars or something. The plot thickens. SO, skip ahead to Barbossa who is about to hang Gibbs when Gibbs shows him the map, destroys it, then tells him he remembers ever detail of it. So, Barbossa has no choice but to let him live and take him to go look for the Fountain. Skip, skip some more. B.B. captures a mermaid. Everyone shows up on the island where the Fountain is, including some Spaniards. Blah blah blah. Barbossa catches poison frogs. Etc. etc. Jack and Barbossa get the chalices back from the Spaniards. Boom boom boom. Everyone explores the jungle while Phil Collins sings in the background. Mermaid girl and bible boy fall in love which causes her to cry when he gets almost killed. Insert mermaid tears. Okay. So, now at the Fountain, everyone shows up. Barbossa and his military, Spaniards, B.B. and his pirates with Jack, Gibs, and Cruz. For NO GOOD REASON, the Spaniards DESTROY the Fountain of Youth. . .. . .. WTF?
Sigh....so as everything's being broken, everyone fights. The British fight the Spaniards who also fight B.B.'s pirates. Barbossa stabs B.B. in the chest with his poison-frog doused sword. Jack loses the cups in a lake, but they're recovered by the mermaid. Gibs stands there and looks fat. The mermaid takes the bible dude to her underwater mermaid palace for an H2Orgy with Tom Hanks and Ariel happily ever after. Cruz tries to drink the mermaid tear to save her dad, but Jack switchess it so that B.B. dies instead. Something about B.B. not really loving her or something.So, the survivors, leave with the Fountain destroyed never to tempt man again. Barbossa leaves with a "Mission Accomplished" attitude as HE now has B.B.'s control-everything sword and pirate ship. Cruz is left on the same island that Jack was stranded on in the past movies. I guess to cool off since Jack technically killed her dad. But, it was for her own good. Jack and Gibs escape with the Black Pearl and all the other pirate ships B.B. captured. Although, they leave to question how exactly to get the ships OUT the bottles. The end.
I liked the other P.O.T.C. because the story, though almost hard to follow, had a begining and an end to its plots and sub-plots. But, it seems like in this movie, they tried to do what made the P.O.T.C. trilogy so good all in one film. It didn't work as well. Why Spain? If they were going to destroy the Fountain anyway, why even go through all this in the first place? Why poison frogs? I would think while being stabbed through my entire midsection with a sword, poison frog juice would be the least of my concern. And if it was that easy to kill B.B., then that means he really wasn't a threat unless on a ship which is the only place his sword works. Anyone could have killed him. But whatever. Maybe this movie lacked the one thing that made the other P.O.T.C.s good. It wasn't confusing enough. Where's the rum?
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