Pirates of the Carribean 4: On Stranger Tides starring Edward Scissorhands

I want to warn the reader that I will be spoiling the movie for you if you haven't seen it. Normally, I dont give a warning as such because the movies so far have sucked and I wanted to save the populous from wasting their money. But, because this movie was ok, I want to give you a chance to enjoy a good film by warning you THIS IS A SPOILER. IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITH THE PURITY SIMILAR TO A PRETEEN CATHOLIC VIRGIN, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! For those who still wish to read on, I will still give my readers the cynical views and sarcasim that F.H. is known for.

For those that havn't been keeping up with the P.O.T.C., it focuses on the adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow, played by Jonny Depp who's been in more costumes than a black man in a fat suit. Jack is without his adventerous counterpart, Orlando Bloom, who played Will Turner in the past three P.O.T.C. movies. This time it focuses on Jack and his antogonist Blackbeard (B.B.). Jack's long time first mate, Gibbs (Kevin McNally), is sentenced to death as he's believed to be Jack Sparrow himself. Jack disgueses himself as judge where he sends Gibbs to prison instead and has Gibbs transported via horse carriage which Jack has paid off himself to drop them off at a secure rendezvous. However, the horseman betrayed them and took them to the King of Brittan's palace. Jack's taken into custody and asked where to locate the Fountain of Youth, a map Jack procured in P.O.T.C. 3. Jack had long given up the quest to look for it and just wanted to get his ship, the Black Pearl back from his pirate rival Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). Besides, Jack slipped the map to Gibbs just before they were separated. Just then, Barbossa walks in as the recently appointed Naval Commander or something for the king which is a shock to Jack since he knows Barbossa to be a pirate. Even more a shock is when Barbossa reveals that he lost the Black Pearl along with his leg. Aww...


The king hears there had been a rumor that Jack Sparrow was in town and putting together a crew to go after the Fountain of Youth. Jack knows someone is going around impersonating him. After a cunning escape out the castle, Jack leads the chase to where he's saved by his dad. Yes, Jack Sparrow has a dad. They introduced him breifly in P.O.T.C. 3. He explains that the Fountain is dangerous and that the treasure will test you or something then he disappears like Batman. Well, thanks, Dad. Screw you, too. Anyway, in this bar Jack sees a man dressed like him and he follows the imposter to a room where they fight. Then, by noticing that the imposter knows his fighting TOO well, he discovers it's Angelica Malon played by Penelope Cruz, a long lost lover of Jack way before P.O.T.C. 1, I assume. She tells him shie's trying to get a crew for her ship's captain, B.B. The only way was to dress as Jack Sparrow. I don't see why...but whatever. I would have been more happy just to work for Cruz if she came to me as is, cross-dressed be damned. Anyway, the British are coming! The British are coming! So, after another fight scene, Jack and Cruz escape. They get close and she tells him about the two chalices needed to drink from the Fountain. To B.B.'s ship we go.

So, Captain Jack Sparrow, now crewman, is in the bow of the ship trying to investigate about the mysterious B.B. Upon, touring the ship, we see a Jehova's witness dude of something tied to the mast. Apparently, he made B.B. mad, but Cruz made him spare the mormon's life. Anyway, Jesus-dude is important later. He didn't have to be, but they wrote it in the script so...there's that. Cruz tells Jack that she's B.B.'s daughter, but then later tells him she's not. But, really she is. ...I don't know. It wasn't a big and neccessary plot twist so why did she even bring it up? So, Jack causes a mutany just to see B.B. It works and B.B. comes out of hiding on the ship and we see he's played by Ian McShane. But, the mutany is put to ret when B.B., using a sword that controls the ship itself...literaly, uses the sail ropes to tie everyone up. They don't explain how or why the sword works...it just does. Go with it. After somebody is set on fire, he calls Jack to council and talk privately about the Fountain. Sidenote: Doesn't B.B. look like a more weathered version of Al Pacchino?


In council, B.B. reveals that a fortune teller predicted a man with one leg will kill him. Hmm.... And B.B. thinks going to the Fountain will save his life. Furthermore, along with the two chalices to drink from the Fountain, you also need a mermaid's tear. Jack also finds out that the Black Pearl along with other ships B.B. has defeated, are still intact...inside magical mason jars or something. The plot thickens. SO, skip ahead to Barbossa who is about to hang Gibbs when Gibbs shows him the map, destroys it, then tells him he remembers ever detail of it. So, Barbossa has no choice but to let him live and take him to go look for the Fountain. Skip, skip some more. B.B. captures a mermaid. Everyone shows up on the island where the Fountain is, including some Spaniards. Blah blah blah. Barbossa catches poison frogs. Etc. etc. Jack and Barbossa get the chalices back from the Spaniards. Boom boom boom. Everyone explores the jungle while Phil Collins sings in the background. Mermaid girl and bible boy fall in love which causes her to cry when he gets almost killed. Insert mermaid tears. Okay. So, now at the Fountain, everyone shows up. Barbossa and his military, Spaniards, B.B. and his pirates with Jack, Gibs, and Cruz. For NO GOOD REASON, the Spaniards DESTROY the Fountain of Youth. . .. . .. WTF?


Sigh....so as everything's being broken, everyone fights. The British fight the Spaniards who also fight B.B.'s pirates. Barbossa stabs B.B. in the chest with his poison-frog doused sword. Jack loses the cups in a lake, but they're recovered by the mermaid. Gibs stands there and looks fat. The mermaid takes the bible dude to her underwater mermaid palace for an H2Orgy with Tom Hanks and Ariel happily ever after. Cruz tries to drink the mermaid tear to save her dad, but Jack switchess it so that B.B. dies instead. Something about B.B. not really loving her or something.
So, the survivors, leave with the Fountain destroyed never to tempt man again. Barbossa leaves with a "Mission Accomplished" attitude as HE now has B.B.'s control-everything sword and pirate ship. Cruz is left on the same island that Jack was stranded on in the past movies. I guess to cool off since Jack technically killed her dad. But, it was for her own good. Jack and Gibs escape with the Black Pearl and all the other pirate ships B.B. captured. Although, they leave to question how exactly to get the ships OUT the bottles. The end.


I liked the other P.O.T.C. because the story, though almost hard to follow, had a begining and an end to its plots and sub-plots. But, it seems like in this movie, they tried to do what made the P.O.T.C. trilogy so good all in one film. It didn't work as well. Why Spain? If they were going to destroy the Fountain anyway, why even go through all this in the first place? Why poison frogs? I would think while being stabbed through my entire midsection with a sword, poison frog juice would be the least of my concern. And if it was that easy to kill B.B., then that means he really wasn't a threat unless on a ship which is the only place his sword works. Anyone could have killed him. But whatever. Maybe this movie lacked the one thing that made the other P.O.T.C.s good. It wasn't confusing enough. Where's the rum?

Priest. (I should have prayed before watching this)

I, thankfully, didn't pay for the 3D showing. I'm going to take that money I saved and tithe to Jesus. He would have wanted it that way. I was actually looking forward to seeing this film. It stars the dude from that other movie, "Legion", which is about angels ironically, Paul Bettany. This is an excerpt from wikipedia.com:

"Priest is a 2011 American supernatural action film starring Paul Bettany as the title character. The film, directed by Scott Stewart, is based on the Korean comic of the same name. In an alternate world, humanity and vampires have warred for centuries.
After the last Vampire War, the veteran warrior Priest (Bettany) lives in obscurity with other humans inside one of the Church's walled cities. When the Priest's niece (Lily Collins) is kidnapped by vampires, the Priest breaks his vows to hunt them down. He is accompanied by the niece's boyfriend, Hicks (Cam Gigandet), who is a wasteland sheriff, and the warrior Priestess (Maggie Q)"

See! Doesn't that sound cool? Vampires, wastelands,...Korean! Sounds like some Vash- the-stampied-Trigun shit. Sadly, it's not. It didn't help that it started with a cartoon prologue to explain how the Priest came to be. It looked like a graphic cartoon colab by Todd MacFarlane and Chuck Jones. So, after that we see a Priest, who's name is...Priest. And he's not even Korean. Him and his commorades with the same powers are attacking the vampire's nest or hive or whatever (because coffins are so retro). The assult turns out to be a trap (because the vamps are smart at times?) and Priest's team barely survives. A few don't make it out the hive alive, specifically one. The dude from Xena, Warrior Princess: Karl Urban. He played Cupid and wore a diaper on the tv series and is nameless for the first half of this film. So, we'll just call him Cupid.
Just as Priest makes it out, Cupid is caught and snatched back into the hive by the vampires. Just then Priest wakes up in a sweat revealing that he was dreaming of the past.

Priest lives in this Judge-Dredd-Total-Recall-Blade-Runner-ish city where the church pretty much runs everyones lives using the fear of vampires and the churches ability to protect them to stay in power. Priest is an ex-hunter for the church . These hunters were trained specifically to fight vampires. But, fearing their power, the hunters were disbanded and that's why we see him living in a raggity Fifth Element apartment still receiving unemployment checks.


So, transition from the inside of this gated church city to the wastelands where this farming family is attacked by a ...uh..pride of vampires? Pack? ....I don't know...flock? There were a lot of them. Anyway, during the attack, a dark ominous figure kidnaps the daughter of the family. So, obviously there will be plot development on that. The sheriff of the wastelands, named Hicks, goes to the city to find Priest to help him get the girl back. See, the sheriff is the boyfriend of the daughter that was kidnapped and Priest..is her uncle. See, plot developement. (^_^)b. Anyway, so they go to the wasteland cities to get clues on the vamp attacks. One place is where people alow themselves to be bittin by vamps and changed into vampiric humans in exchange for being vampire slaves. So, they beat them up and all that and find out that the vamps are congregating in another town. Like showing up to save princess toadstool and arriving to find that she is in ANOTHER castle. .

Sidenote: Did anyone else find it ironic that the dude playing Priest's brother was the dude from True Blood, a show about vampires? Oh well, he died... . .


Anyway, somehow the Priestess shows up. I don't care to remember how. She joins the battle team like a final fantasy character and they go to the next city where they get intel that the vamps and the dark ominous man has a train. On the trip we see that there is a love interest between Priest and Priestess. She tries to kindle a flame but he turns her down for his commitment to the cloth or something? Anyway, they go to the next town only to find some other priest that was sent by the church to get them are dead. They deduce that the vamps plans are to attack the fortress church city with the train and that all the prior attacks were to draw the priest out to the wastelands so they'd be too far from the city to protect it. The gang intercepts the train to attack the vamps and the dark ominous figure that captured his niece which Priest finds out is Cupid! Appearently, he did not die in the hive attack all those years ago. Actually, he reveals that the vampire queen spared him and gave him her blood making him into a vamp/hunter hybrid. So, Aaliah, Queen of the Dammed, just felt like being generous that day?
So, Priest and Cupid fight. Meanwhile, priestess goes ahead and puts a bomb on the track to blow up when it hits. Cupid, in their fight, tells Priest that he isn't the daughter's uncle but ( in Maury Povich voice) "you ARE the father." See, Priest wasn't always a priest. He was once married to his brother's wife and got down with the boogie. But, when he was drafted for priest hood, his brother took over after the conception and raised his daughter for Priest as his own. Ooooohh SNaP! More fighting. Just then, the train hits the bomb on the track and preist and his daughter jump off the moving train.. yes moving... .. and Cupid gets blown to bits. In the after math, Priest goes to the church delagates and shows them proof that the vampires are re-emerging for war and that they need to get ready and some other crap that suggest a sequel.

Ok. So, here's what's wrong. First, let's never open the movie with a cartoon ever again. Looked like an R rated version of Lord of the Rings narrorated for Reading Rainbow, ....but don't take my word for it. Do Doop DOOP. Second, anything cool written by Koreans or Japanese-es or anything asian is usually cooler live action when they do it. Next, there was this part in the film where they were fightng the familiars (Hicks first encounter with the vampires) and there was no sfx. I don't know if the theatre was at fault or just bad editing but I swear I saw Preist punch a guy and no sound came from it. Movie mistake. A noticable one. Then, when the train blew up, everyone survived but Cupid. This super human dude given vamp powers from the QUEEN vampire which should make him stronger and faster than Priest now loses? And not from the actual fighting but because he couldn't jump off a train? Priest jumped off the train and lived. Priest's daughter, a mere human, lived jumping off the train...without a scratch. But the super human, vampire hybrid underworld two hybrid xena warrior princess dude couldn't jump off the train? Even after the explosion, HIS HAT survived. But that's not what got me most. After all that, the movie ends with the sugestion of a sequal. Why can't action movies today just end? Why can't I watch a story then be done with it in one sitting. "Wanted" was so cool but it ended. Priest was not that good to consider continuation. They should have strenghthened this movie better and focused more on Cupid and Priest's quarrel. Even Judge Dredd with its wackyness had a good mix of action with closure. But I shouldn't even try to mix church and state.

The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time a.k.a. Unnecessary Slow Motion like Watchmen but not as good as Watchmen

Spoiler Alert: All the main characters are not Persian what-so-ever. There. Now that that's out the way, let's get started.

For all of those that are fans of the Prince of Persia video games, Disney Pictures, Jerry Bruckheimer and the actor Jake Gyllenhaal, congrats, they've all combined to make something that sucked. Normally, when it comes to movies based on video games, I take an extremely critical look from a gamers perspective, but, this is not the case. If the movie was made as a film created on its own, it still would go through the blender that I have when critiqing movies. F.Y.I. the blender is set to frappe'.

The backstory is that two brothers, one king named unimportant, and one not named Nizam (played by Ben Kingsley), rule Persia. Eventually, the king had two sons. One day, while out and about in the streets of Agrabah or whatever, they notice a boy, named Dastan, fighting the royal guards who are commiting acts of domestic violence on his friend, Bis. The king, seeing the boy's courage, decides to adopt him. So, now the king has three sons. If only men of the 21st century would take care of their baby-mama's children just as well.

So, the king's sons grow up as the Princes of Persia. One is Dastan, played by Jake Gyllenhall, or Donny Darko as I like to call him. The second brother is Garsiv, played by ...some guy. I don't know his name, so he'll just be called "other-guy". The third is Tus, played by the dude from Hot Fuzz, Simon Pegg, which was surprising. I've never seen him play a serious role so this made the movie interesting to me. Plus, he looks a lot like that lycan dude from Underworld in this movie. Wait...what? That's not Simon Pegg!? Ugh...I suddenly lost hope again. So,...yes..uh..three brothers! However, the title is singular, so, the only prince you need to focus on is one, Mister Donny Darko himself.

So, the royal family gets word that the city Alamut is conspiring with Persia's enemies and the Brothers Persia, along with uncle Nizzy, go to see what's up. There, uncle Nizzy, shows them that the city of Alamut have been making weapons against Persia and tries to convince Prince Tus, who is in command of operations, to attack even though the king wishes not to. He succeeds, and Persia attacks. At night, "Other-guy" attacks the front while Donny Darko sneaks into the back. It's at this point where the acrobatics begin its saturation of the film. With a hop and a skip, Donny Darko, gets the back gate open letting the Persian army in the ol' backdoor...literally, not figuratively (Would it have sounded worse if I mentioned he used oils?). As they fight, the Princess of Alamut, played by Gemma Arterton seen in Clash of the Titans, tries to get rid of a sacred dagger by giving it to some dude to escape with. This dagger is obviously very important to her people, the city,... and the storyline. Side note: Why does she always play the role of a chick who knows everything but doesn't reveal all the facts until towards the end where s__t done already hit the fan? Like, in Clash O.T. Titans, why didn't she mention Madeusa in the beginning. That would have saved us a trip. And, if we could've just walked out the underworld through a cave, why did we have to take a boat to get there? But, I digress.

Anyway, lo and behold, who runs into the escaper? None other than Donny Darko, who beats up the guy and takes the sacred dagger...mmm...just because. Once the slo-mo fighting has settled, the brothers wait for the king to arrive and go over the spoils. The princess stresses that they have made no weapons. The king himself is even unsure if the facts of Alamut's treason were true. Prince Tus decides to stay in the city and find these "weapons of mass destruction" to assure the king that they straight. Anyway, lets par-TAY! So, Prince Tus gives Donny Darko this bedazzled robe to give to the king AND take the credit (because Prince Tus knows the king is a fan of Elvis?) and also wants him to ask the king if Prince Tus can have the princess to marry to add to his many wives. Sister wives spin-off? All the Persian forces gather to celebrate. Donny Darko comes to the king with the princess to suggest giving her to Prince Tus. The king decides to give her to Donny Darko instead. At least she wasn't a hand-me-down. Then, Darko offers the king the robe gift and once the king puts it on, because of an allergic reaction to poly-cotton blends, he begins to burn alive. Yes, burn alive....from a robe. The king dies and everyone thinks Donny Darko did it on purpose and they try to kill him. The princess, noticing that Donny has the sacred dagger on him, helps him escape...by jumping out of a four story window into a kiddie pool. Bis, Donny's child hood friend, dies trying to defend Darko's escape. Aww.


So, out in the desert due to involuntary exile, Donny Darko and the Princess tussle about over the dagger. It's at this moment, just before she's about to stab him in the face, that Darko discovers the true power of the sacred dagger. He presses the button on top of it and suddenly he's shifted backward through time, like TiVo, watching himself reenact the events that just happened, but in reverse. So, Darko deduces that his brother Prince Tus set him up and that he's after the dagger for its power. At the same time, Prince Tus sends word that there's a bounty on Donny Darko's head and sends his brother "Other-guy" with an army after him.


Eventually, after wandering in the dessert, the princess begins to see the kind-hearted street rat that Darko really is. However, the dessert that they've wandered into belongs to the murderous thugs of the "Valley of Slaves". Not to be confused with the "Dessert of the Real", property owned by Morpheus sans the Matrix. They get captured by Sheik Amar played by Alfred Molina, or "Doctor Octopus" in Spider-Man 2, along with his crew which includes, "Big Leering Angry Carrying Knives" man or B.L.A.C.K. man for short. They take Donny Darko and the Princess to the inner sanctum of the Valley of Slaves (no offense to B.L.A.C.K. man). There, we find out that the murderous residence of the Valley aren't so murderous. Instead, Amar runs a ostrich racing derby and keeps the residents safe with rumors that the Valley is evil, rumors he doctored up himself to keep Persians and other kingdoms away. So, it's fair to call him "Doc Oc" from now on. His community is happy with the fact that the entire valley is war and tax free. If only President Obama's campaign was so easy-going. After some comic relief, Doc Oc reveals that he knows Donny Darko is wanted for murdering his father and hopes to collect the bounty. The princess releases his ostriches upon the crowd causing a riot giving her and Donny a chance to escape.

Getting fed up, Donny Darko decides to sneak back into his kingdom and tell his uncle Nizzy what really happened using the dagger as proof. But, when he sees him, he notices that his uncle's hands are burned which means HE was the one that sabotaged the robe that killed the king.
Uncle Nizzy...killed...his own brother! Dum dum duuuuuummmm. It's like Hamlet but...never been done before! (-_-) So, arrows are flying as Donny realizes that it's an ambush with his brother, "other-guy", chasing him. More jump-flip-slo-mo hopping as Donny Darko escapes.

It's at this point we see uncle Nizzy's true character as he has his own assassin camp deep in the recesses of the castle. One with whips, one with shooting daggars, and one with a pet snake. I like to call this assassin "Ol' Blue Eyes". Uncle Nizzy sends them on the hunt for Donny Darko.


While Donny and the princess hide in the dessert, she tells him the story of the sacred dagger - about...The Sands of Time.Here, I'll spare you the details: The gods hate mankind's inner evil but LOVES their inner good. So, if you use the dagger to access their sands of time with evil intentions, everyone dies, but if you convince them you're good, everyone lives! Donny Darko deduces that uncle Nizzy wants to use the sands of time to go back to when he and the king were kids and let the king die in a jungle gym accident so that the three princes are never born and he can be king. Jealous much? Where is the sands of time? Underneath the city of Alamut where President-elect Tus, uncle Nizzy, and the Persian army are waiting. Good luck.

Although,in more detail, it would have been more dramatic if they had mentioned the king and uncle Nizzy almost dying as kids in the beginning rather than just coming out the ass with it near the end of the movie. Like, c'mon, really? Not even a plot twist. More like a plot complete change.

The princess and Donny decide to go to a sanctuary outside Alamut where the dagger originated to return it to some sacred stone to be safe. On the way there, they get caught again by Doc Oc, B.L.A.C.K. man, and crew. They're pissed about the ostriches lost. Later, they get attacked by vipers belonging to Ol' Blue Eyes, but Donny Darko kills them, thus, saving their lives. Why the assassins didn't continue the assault? I don't know, but the princess convinces Doc Oc to help them get to the sanctuary offering to him all the gold there. On their trail is "Other-guy" and his army trying to catch up with his brother, Darko. Following after, is the assassin crew. For some reason the montage of them chasing Darko looks like an opening of New York Undercover.
Once they get there, "other-guy" shows up and Darko convinces him that uncle Nizzy is evil. Hurray! One of the brothers is on Darko's side now! But... "other-guy" gets killed...by the assassins who've just shown up. Aww. There's a fight scene as the princess tries to sacrifice herself to seal the dagger away, but she is stopped by the assassin with the whip. *Begin more slo-mo-jump-flip bullet time* Ol Blue Eyes's gets the dagger and retreats with the assassins. Now, the good guys have no choice but to go inside Alamut and face Prince Tus and uncle Nizzy.

So, inside the castle, the plan is to steal the dagger back from the top of the castle guarded by the assassin with the shooting daggers. Looks like a job for B.L.A.C.K. Man! After his "Revolver Ocelot" shoot-out with the assassin, B.L.A.C.K. man dies but not before throwing the sacred dagger outside to Donny Darko who then heads to his brother Prince Tus. Donny convinces his brother of the sabotage by stabbing himself and telling him the sacred dagger will rewind time. Prince Tus presses the dagger to save his brother Donny and now believes Darko over his treacherous uncle Nizzy. Yay! We have the second brother on Donny's side! But,....he gets killed by uncle Nizzy immediately after that. Damn. An assassin knocks down Donny and uncle Nizzy escapes with the sacred dagger. But just then, the princess comes in and distracts the assassin and Donny kills him. ....... These assassins suck. And, why is it that Prince Tus gets killed so easily by his uncle? You would think a dude who fought in numerous battles alongside Donny Darko would be just as skilled if not better at defending himself. It wasn't even like a sneak attack. Uncle Nizzy just walked up and cut him, like.....wtf?

So, uncle Nizzy takes the direct route entrance while Donny Darko and the Princess take a "raiders of the lost ark" way. This secret way is booby trapped so....more jump-skip-hop-slo-mo time right into the last assassin, "Ol' Blue Eyes". During the fight, the princess comes outta no where and saves Donny. So,...that assassin is dead. And now we stand at the under-makings of the palace where we see the Sands of Time, which is a big hour glass of sorts. Uncle Nizzy throws the princess off the edge of a cliff and Donny catches her just as uncle Nizzy is about to puncture the Sand with the dagger and because he is evil, that would be bad. So, Donny lets the princess fall in order to reach the dagger as uncle Nizzy puts it in. You can see the sand beginning to react to their inner hearts and it seems the sand chooses Donny's over uncle Nizzy's. It then stops the destruction and sends Donny Darko back in time to just when the Persian army won the battle on Alamut in the beginning. Darko, being the only one who remembers everything that had happened, then goes before the people and tells his brothers that there were never any W.M.D.'s nor that Alamut was ever an enemy of Persia and that it was all a trick by uncle Nizzy. Prince Tus, alive and well, must then choose who's telling the truth between Darko and uncle Nizzy based on his own problem solving skills. He chooses Darko, which makes uncle Nizzy mad and they fight and just before Nizzy is about to stab Darko, Prince Tus stabs him saving Darko.

Finally, they go to the princess who is also alive again, and ask for forgiveness and then her hand in marriage but not to Prince Tus, but to Donny Darko. After talking about bull and holding hands, (which was also in slo-mo) it's obvious that she accepted. So, all's well that ends well. Since time has been rewound and changed, everyone is alive again! The king lives. Bis lives. Princess lives. Prince Tus and Other-Guy lives. B.L.A.C.K. Man lives. The assassins live, although they will need to get new jobs now. Everyone lives! Except uncle Nizzy...and the thousands of soldiers who died in the battle during the Persian army attacking Alamut. Here are my issues however. It's cool doing some ol' batman/spider-man crap, but every ten seconds? And in slow motion? It's the only reason why the film was damn near two hours long. And the ending, "Okay, so my army just came and killed thousands of your men, probably women and children , and you still want to go out with me?" Good for you, Donny Darko! Just don't let her get hit by a car.
All in all, this movie was the middle child to Jerry Bruckheimer's other film production, Pirates of the Caribbean. It didn't get as much attention. But, after doing so many years of the C.S.I TV series, we can't be to hard on this mess. I guess we'll just sweep it under...the Persian rug. *Puts on sunglasses, cue C.S.I. Miami intro* "YEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I Am Number Four. Quality is a Number Two

So, I got the chance to see I Am Number Four last Tuesday. I had my doubts about the film prior to seeing it. I thought it might have the same bollywood showmanship as an episode of Xena Warrior Princess. A more accurate comparison would be to The Seeker: The Dark is Rising...if anyone saw THAT movie. However, I make it a hobby to go see movies with an unbiased presumption that the movie could be good. So, lets get to it.

One thing I like about fantasy films is when they get to the point in the beginning. "Hey, this is what happened. These are the facts. Let's begin." A perfect example is the movie Wanted. In the beginning, they notate that there's a fraternity and they do cool stuff and that everything you see is based on that fact. Begin. Another is the recent G.I.Joe movie. "This movie takes places in the near future..." or whatever it said. Ok, so I know that any over-the-top things that happen as I watch the film are legitimate because you've explained to me that this takes place in a time period that is not my own. Thanks. So, with I.A.N.4, the main character "John Smith" basically tells you that he's an alien and he comes from a planet of super powered aliens and that he's on the run from evil aliens that want to kill him and his kind. Okay, thanks. So, I've been prepared to see over-the-top stuff happen and all that. By the way, I'm glad to see that Timothy...Elephant or whatever (the dude who played the bad guy in Live Free, or Die Hard, and the protagonist in The Crazies) can still find work. He plays as John's "guardian", named Henri, in this movie. Good job.

So, the third of the nine good aliens die and, through a psychic connection, cause John to have a panic attack in front of his friends where he lights up like a pair of L.A. Gear shoes. His powers give his identity away which makes him easier to find by his evil alien pursuers (can't wait to get to them) and Henri has to take him from his beautiful island home to a place called "Paradise", Ohio. Ok, so far, sucks to be him, but whatever. Also, sneaking along for the ride is a little gecko that apparently likes to travel with John (can't wait to get to this climax too).

Anyway, in Ohio, John settles in and Henri begins to erase past images and traces of John's Facebook and Myspace accounts with some elaborate computer hacking equipment (that I guess he stole from Live Free, or Die Hard), but I'm not bothered by that because in the beginning, John says they're aliens and I assume however they GOT to Earth must have took some advance technology to get here, so, it's safe to say that Henri is very smart or that Earth technology is a downgrade from what's he's used to and hacking the internet itself shouldn't be a problem. Anyway, outside, the lizard thing then crawls out and turns into a dog that scratches on the door and alarms Henri and John. John takes the dog in feeling that it can be a close companion since they're always on the move. Henri agrees.

Using the same smartness, John forges documents to get him into the local high school. So, John's in school now. Personally, I would just stay home since I am a highly evolved alien and chill out, but whatever. At the same time, this random blond chick, who I can tell you now is the 6th alien because other than that reason, seeing her in the film this early holds no importance except that she's gonna help fight later, blows up John's old Hawaiian home to help him stay hidden from the evil aliens. She leaves to go after John. Then, the evil aliens go to his exploded Hawaiian home and, using gills on their faces....yes....gills....on their faces...sniff out that John is still alive and begin to track him.


Okay. John's in school and falls for this blond girl in his school named Sarah. I mean, dang, you just met the girl and already....? Anyway, he also befriends this nerdy kid named Sam, who I thought they were picking on because he was gay, but actually because he believed in aliens (that would have actually made the movie interesting if he was gay. Tackling 2011 society issues in a fantasy film, but, whatever). So, John starts to go through alien puberty in school and can't control his powers like Alex Mack and Henri has to come get him. John goes home and with a romp in the woods and 7 mins later, learns how to jump, flip, and skip, like Spider-Man. I mean, no montage or nothing. Disappointment. At the same time, Number 6 (blond chick with powers) sees a video on a alien website via YouTube or some crap and figures out that John is in Ohio. Also, the evil alien fish dudes are on his trail in Ohio, driving Dodge Chargers and tractor trailers carrying large alien flying-squirrel dragons or something.

So, turns out that Sam's real dad, who went missing in a Mayan jungle called Pit Fall, was crazy about aliens. Specifically, the same alien breed that John is and had all these artifacts about them. Who knew? Henri, using that knowledge, found a rock that could locate the rest of the nine powerful aliens and Sam has one too! (we're left with 6 aliens if you've been keeping score). Also, forgot to mention that Henri has a box that John's dad Jor-EL left him to give to John, "only to open when he is ready." Um, giant fish dudes trying to kill me? I'm ready now. Anyway, John decides not to run anymore, but stay and fight. The alien website moderators contact the fish dudes and was like, "Eh, we'll kidnap Henri, if you'll spare us in your fish apocalypse." Sure. So, they get Henri even though, Henri is a trained alien fighter with swords and crap, but these overweight web masters are too much for him. John and Sam go to save him, but the fishermen show up and kill Henri as they escape. Congrats, John, you have a leather jacket now! *Final Fantasy fanfare*


John then gets a Facebook message that Sarah's at a party and she is SO not into aliens right now? He goes there, but it's a trap set up by her jealous ex-boyfriend who is so unimportant that this is the first and last time I'll mention him. John and Sarah escape from the cops who also hate aliens in this hick town. Eventually, the fishermen show up in town. Blond Number 6 shows up. John and the crew go to the school to hide(typical of all teen fantasy films). So, there, John and Sarah, get cornered by the fishermen with their P-38 Space Modulator guns. At the same time, they release the flying-squirrel dragons onto the building. Sam, sitting in the truck with the once lizard, now dog jumps out and runs inside when it begins to turn into its TRUE animality which is a giant chimera. Just as it seems the odds are against them, Blond Number 6 shows up and does some X-men Night Crawler stuff and kills a few fishermen. John helps her with his powers and parkour skills. Then, the giant dragons bust in, but before one can sink it's teeth into John, his Chimera dog comes in and protects him which we realize is good because Blond Number 6 says, "That's your Chimera from our planet. It's meant to protect you."

Okay, stop, stop, stop. At this point in the movie, it's too much for me. What? So, where was the dog when Henri was dying? It did such a good job keeping up with John all this time, but not then? Why are fishermen trying to kill me so bad? These tall, lanky, men are so strong versus my uber parkour powers even though I am way faster and smarter? If they tracked me to the islands, how did they get their giant weapons and giant dragons through customs? Southwest Airlines? Why YouTube? Did the fishermen have their own Skype account? And the tracking skills in general. C'mon, giant fish dudes? YouTube? "Let me smell your clothes but also check your Blackplanet account." C'mon. The liquid dude from Terminator didn't have to go on Facebook to find John Carter. All he had was a photo and the shirt on his back and HE went through space AND time. Obviously, if the fishermen destroy planets and they have to kill the Nine in order, why send only a few of them. If they are so strong, and apparently, not threatened by Earth's own military, why not just come in full force and get the Nine that way? All this sneaking around just so you can have a I.A.N.4 commemorative necklace? And the Chimera dog. How come Henri didn't even recognize a being from his own planet? If I was going to Earth to protect a kid from doom and gloom, I would have at least brought one with me from the beginning. How did Henri, the space alien guardian get beat up and captured by nerds? With a Star Trek Photon Gun Repleca: Collector's Edition? Where's Agent Skully...help! Ugh..


So, John, after defeating the other fishermen, eventually gets caught by the main fish dude or "Aggro-fish" and while being choked to death, uses his powers and sets off a belt of grenades that the Aggro-fish is wearing as a last ditch effort (because when I fight someone in a battle to the death, I also like to wear a belt of grenades). Just before the grenades explode, however, Night-crawl..uh..Number 6 instant transmits herself to John and grabs him from the initial explosion, then uses her special SPECIAL power of fire repellent-ness to save John from the flames.

After all is said and done, John requites his love to Sarah on the hill (Apparently, his kind can only love one woman. Sucks to be him) and vows to come back. After putting the two rocks together that Sam and Henri had found, John and Number 6 now know exactly where the remaining nine are and decide to go off and find them along with Sam, because he just HAS to find his dad now, and it ends with them driving under the sunset. It almost looked like an ending from Transformers. Who did produce this movie by the way? ....Michael Bay?? oh...