So, I got the chance to see I Am Number Four last Tuesday. I had my doubts about the film prior to seeing it. I thought it might have the same bollywood showmanship as an episode of Xena Warrior Princess. A more accurate comparison would be to The Seeker: The Dark is Rising...if anyone saw THAT movie. However, I make it a hobby to go see movies with an unbiased presumption that the movie could be good. So, lets get to it.
One thing I like about fantasy films is when they get to the point in the beginning. "Hey, this is what happened. These are the facts. Let's begin." A perfect example is the movie Wanted. In the beginning, they notate that there's a fraternity and they do cool stuff and that everything you see is based on that fact. Begin. Another is the recent G.I.Joe movie. "This movie takes places in the near future..." or whatever it said. Ok, so I know that any over-the-top things that happen as I watch the film are legitimate because you've explained to me that this takes place in a time period that is not my own. Thanks. 
So, with I.A.N.4, the main character "John Smith" basically tells you that he's an alien and he comes from a planet of super powered aliens and that he's on the run from evil aliens that want to kill him and his kind. Okay, thanks. So, I've been prepared to see over-the-top stuff happen and all that. By the way, I'm glad to see that Timothy...Elephant or whatever (the dude who played the bad guy in Live Free, or Die Hard, and the protagonist in The Crazies) can still find work. He plays as John's "guardian", named Henri, in this movie. Good job.So, the third of the nine good aliens die and, through a psychic connection, cause John to have a panic attack in front of his friends where he lights up like a pair of L.A. Gear shoes. His powers give his identity away which makes him easier to find by his evil alien pursuers (can't wait to get to them) and Henri has to take him from his beautiful island home to a place called "Paradise", Ohio. Ok, so far, sucks to be him, but whatever. Also, sneaking along for the ride is a little gecko that apparently likes to travel with John (can't wait to get to this climax too).
Anyway, in Ohio, John settles in and Henri begins to erase past images and traces of John's Facebook and Myspace accounts with some elaborate computer hacking equipment (that I guess he stole from Live Free, or Die Hard), but I'm not bothered by that because in the beginning, John says they're aliens and I assume however they GOT to Earth must have took some advance technology to get here, so, it's safe to say that Henri is very smart or that Earth technology is a downgrade from what's he's used to and hacking the internet itself shouldn't be a problem. Anyway, outside, the lizard thing then crawls out and turns into a dog that scratches on the door and alarms Henri and John. John takes the dog in feeling that it can be a close companion since they're always on the move. Henri agrees.
Using the same smartness, John forges documents to get him into the local high school. So, John's in school now. Personally, I would just stay home since I am a highly evolved alien and chill out, but whatever. At the same time, this random blond chick, who I can tell you now is the 6th alien because other than that reason, seeing her in the film this early holds no importance except that she's gonna help fight later, blows up John's old Hawaiian home to help him stay hidden from the evil aliens. She leaves to go after John. Then, the evil aliens go to his exploded Hawaiian home and, using gills on their faces....yes....gills....on their faces...sniff out that John is still alive and begin to track him. 
Okay. John's in school and falls for this blond girl in his school named Sarah. I mean, dang, you just met the girl and already....? Anyway, he also befriends this nerdy kid named Sam, who I thought they were picking on because he was gay, but actually because he believed in aliens (that would have actually made the movie interesting if he was gay. Tackling 2011 society issues in a fantasy film, but, whatever).
So, John starts to go through alien puberty in school and can't control his powers like Alex Mack and Henri has to come get him. John goes home and with a romp in the woods and 7 mins later, learns how to jump, flip, and skip, like Spider-Man. I mean, no montage or nothing. Disappointment. At the same time, Number 6 (blond chick with powers) sees a video on a alien website via YouTube or some crap and figures out that John is in Ohio. Also, the evil alien fish dudes are on his trail in Ohio, driving Dodge Chargers and tractor trailers carrying large alien flying-squirrel dragons or something.
So, turns out that Sam's real dad, who went missing in a Mayan jungle called Pit Fall, was crazy about aliens. Specifically, the same alien breed that John is and had all these artifacts about them. Who knew? Henri, using that knowledge, found a rock that could locate the rest of the nine powerful aliens and Sam has one too! (we're left with 6 aliens if you've been keeping score). Also, forgot to mention that Henri has a box that John's dad Jor-EL left him to give to John, "only to open when he is ready." Um, giant fish dudes trying to kill me? I'm ready now. Anyway, John decides not to run anymore, but stay and fight. The alien website moderators contact the fish dudes and was like, "Eh, we'll kidnap Henri, if you'll spare us in your fish apocalypse." Sure. So, they get Henri even though, Henri is a trained alien fighter with swords and crap, but these overweight web masters are too much for him. John and Sam go to save him, but the fishermen show up and kill Henri as they escape. Congrats, John, you have a leather jacket now! *Final Fantasy fanfare*
John then gets a Facebook message that Sarah's at a party and she is SO not into aliens right now? He goes there, but it's a trap set up by her jealous ex-boyfriend who is so unimportant that this is the first and last time I'll mention him. John and Sarah escape from the cops who also hate aliens in this hick town. Eventually, the fishermen show up in town. Blond Number 6 shows up. John and the crew go to the school to hide(typical of all teen fantasy films). So, there, John and Sarah, get cornered by the fishermen with their P-38 Space Modulator guns. At the same time, they release the flying-squirrel dragons onto the building. Sam, sitting in the truck with the once lizard, now dog jumps out and runs inside when it begins to turn into its TRUE animality which is a giant chimera. Just as it seems the odds are against them, Blond Number 6 shows up and does some X-men Night Crawler stuff and kills a few fishermen. John helps her with his powers and parkour skills. Then, the giant dragons bust in, but before one can sink it's teeth into John, his Chimera dog comes in and protects him which we realize is good because Blond Number 6 says, "That's your Chimera from our planet. It's meant to protect you." Okay, stop, stop, stop. At this point in the movie, it's too much for me. What? So, where was the dog when Henri was dying? It did such a good job keeping up with John all this time, but not then? Why are fishermen trying to kill me so bad? These tall, lanky, men are so strong versus my uber parkour powers even though I am way faster and smarter? If they tracked me to the islands, how did they get their giant weapons and giant dragons through customs? Southwest Airlines? Why YouTube? Did the fishermen have their own Skype account? And the tracking skills in general. C'mon, giant fish dudes? YouTube? "Let me smell your clothes but also check your Blackplanet account." C'mon. The liquid dude from Terminator didn't have to go on Facebook to find John Carter. All he had was a photo and the shirt on his back and HE went through space AND time. Obviously, if the fishermen destroy planets and they have to kill the Nine in order, why send only a few of them. If they are so strong, and apparently, not threatened by Earth's own military, why not just come in full force and get the Nine that way? All this sneaking around just so you can have a I.A.N.4 commemorative necklace? And the Chimera dog. How come Henri didn't even recognize a being from his own planet? If I was going to Earth to protect a kid from doom and gloom, I would have at least brought one with me from the beginning. How did Henri, the space alien guardian get beat up and captured by nerds? With a Star Trek Photon Gun Repleca: Collector's Edition? Where's Agent Skully...help! Ugh..
So, John, after defeating the other fishermen, eventually gets caught by the main fish dude or "Aggro-fish" and while being choked to death, uses his powers and sets off a belt of grenades that the Aggro-fish is wearing as a last ditch effort (because when I fight someone in a battle to the death, I also like to wear a belt of grenades). Just before the grenades explode, however, Night-crawl..uh..Number 6 instant transmits herself to John and grabs him from the initial explosion, then uses her special SPECIAL power of fire repellent-ness to save John from the flames.
After all is said and done, John requites his love to Sarah on the hill (Apparently, his kind can only love one woman. Sucks to be him) and vows to come back. After putting the two rocks together that Sam and Henri had found, John and Number 6 now know exactly where the remaining nine are and decide to go off and find them along with Sam, because he just HAS to find his dad now, and it ends with them driving under the sunset. It almost looked like an ending from Transformers. Who did produce this movie by the way? ....Michael Bay?? oh...
